Couples, can you please stop telling me to enjoy being single…

I’m getting really, really tired of couples and/or people in a loving relationship telling me to enjoy being single, to make the most of my alone time and enjoy the benefits that having a single status gives me. I’d like to say that I’ve had enough time now to do all that.

If you’re one half of a couple, please think before you speak to a singleton about the joys of being on your own, because, news flash, you’re not on your own. You have someone to fuck and fall asleep with afterwards. You have someone texting you, asking how your day is going and leaving kisses at the end of the message. You have someone to tell you things you want to hear, things that always sound so much more wonderful when they’re coming from the mouth of someone you care about.

I’ve had enough mornings of waking up to my mobile phone company offering me nothing for something. I’ve had enough of sexless nights and evenings spent hugging pillows while watching Seinfeld and Family Guy and South Park on my own. (How fucking miserable is that?) I’ve had enough of the sound of my own half-hearted laugh – half-hearted because there’s nobody there to share the joke Stewie or Cartman or Jerry just made. I miss morning sex and afternoon sex and sex when I should be sleeping. I miss putting my head on someone’s shoulder when riding the bus. I miss walking and holding hands. I miss kissing in the middle of a busy street. I miss sharing my crazy ambitions and goals and hopes with someone who will kiss my forehead and tell me that it will all come to pass. I miss having someone whose eyes light up when we talk about our shared passions and dreams.

I’m sick of sharing stuff on my Facebook wall instead of in a private message to someone who I know is going to reply with something like: ‘and this photo of goat in a sweater is why I love you.’ Or ‘and you knowing that this is my favourite Behexen track is why I think you’re so fucking awesome.’ Or ‘and you being so crazy passionate about this, that and the other is just one of the reasons I want to be with you.’

In terms of love and relationships, 2014 has been a multi-car pileup which has left me feeling confused and unlovable. There’s been a lot of ‘you’re sexy and intelligent but…’ Right. So I’m supposed to believe the good things you’ve just said? Please, as if.

I can say that rejection has been the theme of 2014. Though I’ve been finding it hard to trust men after being led on then dropped from a height, someone will come along who I think ‘yes, this guy, I like him!’ and I’ll bring down my guard and end up getting hurt all over again when they turn round and say ‘erm, dating? No.’

Last night I joined a metalheads dating site. I wasn’t going to say anything, but fuck it. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, right? I’ve never joined a dating website before, and it felt fucking weird to say the least, but to be honest, I’ve had my confidence boosted somewhat in the past few hours, and I’m hoping that there might be someone there who will say ‘date you? I’d fucking love to!’ and leave one of those wide-mouthed open smileys at the end of their message.