Making Me Happy Today/01
I’m in love with life. I’m in love with the sound of the kettle boiling in the morning. I’m in love with that first bite of cereal at breakfast. I’m in love with my speedy internet connection. I’m in love with the sun when it nudges out through the clouds to greet me at my desk when I sit down to write. I’m in love with the way the concrete smells after a rainstorm, and how my legs can take me wherever I want to go. I’m in love with the way my skin feels after a shower, and my hair moments after I’ve finished blow drying it. I’m in love with an idea for a poem slipping into my head at midnight.
Despite being madly, deeply in love with my existence, there are days or weeks (in the past it was months or years even) where I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the morning. There are days when I don’t switch on my phone or want to interact with another human being because I just feel so utterly shit. My good moods and productive spirit move out of reach, and I’m left scrabbling for something to stop myself from going under. There are times during these dark days when ending it seems like the most sensible thing in the world. But I’ve resisted. I’ve held back from harm and I’m proud of myself for doing so. Depression doesn’t have an on/off switch. I can’t choose when I want to be floating on air and smiling at everyone, or tunneled underneath my duvet cursing the day and everything in it. However, I can choose to gently remind myself of the things that make me happy.
My latest music obsession.