Altering My Body For The Right Reasons

I spent over a decade suffering with Anorexia, and though I’m recovered now, at the age of 27 I still have moments when thoughts creep in and introduce themselves again.

A couple of months ago I made the decision to start eating meat again after twelve years. I made this choice for multiple reasons, but one of them was because I wanted to slightly change the shape of my body, and the only way that I was going to be able to do that was to consume a good amount of protein. Now, I did try adding more vegetarian proteins before I moved to meat, but as I’m not that big an eater, the vegetarian proteins just wasn’t enough.

Going to back to meat did mess around with my body for a few days, but after the initial shock, both physically and mentally, I started to calm down and enjoy my food. I’ve felt myself getting stronger over the weeks, and have been cutting down my carbs and putting in more protein as well as going to the gym four times a week. But I’ve found that I’m losing muscle, and rapidly, especially from the areas I wanted to tone up; thighs, bum, stomach, and this is seriously effecting my confidence and self-esteem. My jeans are loose, and look fucking awful, and sometimes I can hardly look at the bottom half of my body in the mirror, without feeling this horrible lurch of disgust at myself and my inability to mould my shape.

I think it boils down to the fact that I need to gain a little bit of weight. I want a nice, curvy bum, a slim waist and tight thighs, but I suppose I can’t gain these until I have the material to work with. Even though I’m recovered from my eating disorder, the thought of changing my diet and eating a bit more fucking terrifies me. I was going to start with build up type shakes (as I can’t afford all the expensive protein/muscle building specialist stuff) as it’s easier to have one of those rather than consume that amount of calories through food. (When I was ill and recovering I drank Ensure and Build Up for a number of years and they helped me through some really difficult times.)

So, I bought some vanilla bean Tesco meal replacements today and planned to have one instead of my cup of tea in the afternoon. But I was scared, and said to myself ‘tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow.’ I think that I’m terrified I’ll gain a heap of weight and it’ll go out of control and I’ll balloon into something unrecognisable within a matter of days. Now, I know, deep, deep down that this isn’t true, but the negative ‘skimmer’ thoughts continue to reign supreme, even as I sit here writing this. Another factor effecting my ability to add things to my diet is that I was at the hospital today having tests done for allergies, and the doctor confirmed after reading the results of my blood tests, etc, that everything was fine or above average, which of course delighted me. But now I’m worried that if I gain more weight that these excellent results will start to dip and I won’t have such a clean bill of health.

The other day I started doing exercises specific to the areas I wanted to target, (I did these at home, as well as go to the gym). Today I did those exercises again, but still hang onto that excuse ‘I’ll have the shake tomorrow.’

I’m anxious that I’m going to go around in circle, and not achieve a body shape that will leave me feeling confident and happy with myself. I’m also anxious that eating a few hundred calories more a day will result in horrendous weight gain. I know it’s my catastrophic thinking, but it’s hard to stay on top when you’re continually bombarded with these loud voices of doom and gloom.

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