Hope Is Dying

I applied for a job at an Arts Centre in Birmingham the other day. My application was a stunner, and I’ve had regular highs since I sent it off, convinced that I was sure to get an interview. Well, here I am at 4.55 with my Hotmail account open…it’s been open for the past four hours or so. I’ve madly clicked onto it whenever a new email has come in, but not one has been THE email. Ebay. HSBC. Facebook.  Nothing to make me punch the air. My heart right now is as tight as a fossil. I wanted this interview. I wanted it more than I’ve wanted anything in a very long time, and now I feel wrung out and sad. I graduated back in 2010 and have since then been pushing, pushing, pushing to get work within the creative industries. But nothing has come of any of my attempts, and I feel like crushing my own head in with a block of concrete.

People say to me ‘nevermind, something else will come along.’ But will it? Really? Opportunities like this are so few and far between nowadays, and so often they are given to people already on the inside. I’d rather people said something like ‘Bunch of bastards, the lot of them. Don’t know what they’re missing.’ Might not be true, but it might make me feel a tiny bit better.

I’m a twenty six year old woman and I’m already starting to feel as if I’m passed it. How fucking sad is that? But it’s true. When is my break going to come along? When is an opportunity going to open its doors wide for me and let me step through? I still have my Hotmail account open now. There is a flicker of hope somewhere, I just can’t see it anymore.