Loneliness – Hard to explain
I was just upstairs doing some research for my novel and felt compelled to come downstairs, get on my laptop and write a blog entry.
I’ll admit it now. I’m a lonely bugger, and I don’t get out much, but it is mostly my own fault. Of late, I’ve been feeling low, and when I’m low I don’t want to be around people. Period. But I need to break this routine and become more accepting and patient.
Most of the time, loneliness creeps up on me like a cloaked, silent bastard. I’ll be feeling fine, getting loads of writing done and all that, but then, suddenly and seemingly out the of the blue, I’ll feel so fucking lonely it hurts, like I’m being crushed by a fucking mountain. Now, everyone who knows me will know that I love my solitude, I love my space and my time alone, but as I get older, it is dawning on me that I need to spend more time around people. But doing that, well, it can be quite scary, for some peculiar reason, being asked to go somewhere, do something…I can’t explain why it’s scary, but once you get into a loop it is hard to get out of it. I performed some poetry last night, for the first time in a while, and I was literally shaking. Not good. But I am going to try. I am going to try really, really hard not to spend so much time alone. Hopefully it will alleviate some of these feelings of lonliness and help to get my mood back on track.