Medication – My Safety Net

I posted something on-line last night about not complaining anymore. About putting a positive head on and smiling. But I feel I need to talk about this issue I have. Even if it just makes me feel a bit better, it’ll be worth writing it down.
Life has been a bit of a struggle recently. My moods have been more erratic that usual, I’ve been getting stressed over the smallest of things and my anger management has gone right out of the window and over the fucking hill. Yesterday, I went to see a doctor to review my medication. I personally felt that I needed more on top of the 300mg of Quetiapine and the 40mg of Citalopram that I take daily. But the Doctor was reluctant to increase my prescription. Okay, so that wasn’t a problem. It is probably for the best if I work through the problems on my own accord anyway. However, she then went onto ask if I’d thought about coming off them in the future. I said no. Because, to be honest, coming off my meds is not at the top of my list of priorities. I explained that I have suffered from depression from the age of thirteen, and said that I felt I would probably need to be on medication for the rest of my life. She wasn’t too convinced, and that’s when I felt myself getting a bit wound up.

I didn’t take medication for many years because I was scared of it. I was scared of the calories. I was scared that it would change me. I was scared of all sorts of things. I also thought that I could heal naturally. So when I finally started taking it a couple of years back (when I was very ill and suicidal) and got used to it, I felt as if I had my life back on track. I felt as if I had a safety net. Naturally, the net can’t catch everything. I have very bad times, I have good times. But I know that I will have this depression with me for the rest of my life. It is a part of me. I can’t just shrug it off. In my case, its hereditary. So if I have to take medication for the rest of my life, I’m perfectly fine with that. If I was too come off it, even if I felt that I was in a safe place in my head and elsewhere, I don’t think that safety would last long. I know my body and mind better than the Doctors. I know what it needs and when it needs a little bit of help. I’m aware that the Doctor is probably being pressurised by the twating Government to try and get most of her patients off prescription drugs, but I tell you this now, they’re not going to be taking away something that helps to fix me when I break.

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